Plan B is the new Plan A
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
