Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
