i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
