Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
