A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
