Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
