I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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