Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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