I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
