She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
