I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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