Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize