My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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