as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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