Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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