She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
