Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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