i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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