At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
