I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
