Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
