He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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