OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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