i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
