Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
