there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
