Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
