i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
