My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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