So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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