Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
