3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
