69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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