god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
