Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
