just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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