My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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