Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize