Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
