Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
