Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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