Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
