Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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