my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
