my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He better not be in your backpack
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
