we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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