this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
