what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
