now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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