if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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