Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
