The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
