tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize