Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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