nut hugger
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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