I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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