I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
organizing the empties. That sober.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
