An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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