Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
