I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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