I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
