Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize