In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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