If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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