Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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