my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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