I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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