Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
