MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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